Thursday, May 26, 2005
| End of the Week Ass Bits I don’t know about you, but I loved me some Lost finale last night. It was riveting drama. A person exploded and their guts went everywhere! And then the little boy was kidnapped by Pirate pedophiliacs and then the hatch blew open and then the French woman stole the baby, but then got caught and then the monster was stomping through the forest and almost got Locke, but he got away and then almost fell into the hatch, but got away again! I’m sure ALL of this makes sense to you cuz you would have been CRAZY to miss it! In other news, I leave tomorrow morning for Syracuse! Woo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You would think I’m about to go on a Caribbean cruise or some shit. I can’t stop talking about it and thinking about it. A whole weekend of hanging with my ladies, shoving my face, and getting drunk! But I’m really just mostly excited to get drunk. Cuz you can’t do that in NYC. The new law has been hard on all of us. I have to admit that I’m a bit nervous about the flight tomorrow. It’s only an hour long and I’m usually pretty good about flying. But for some reason, I’m a tad nervous about tomorrow’s trip. Just keep me in your thoughts. My life is annoying enough without having to throw in a plane crash on top of everything else. hee. Superstition is for weirdos! This morning the security guard that works in my building walked up to me, pokes me in the butthole and says “You’re gaining weight in your ass”. I looked at him as though he was a complete fucking psycho and I say “Are you serious?” He burst out laughing and was like “No, no, no…”, but the damage was already done. It was mere minutes before I was in the bathroom looking at my ass in the mirror. It isn’t THAT big. I mean, I have an ass. Big fucking deal. And last I checked, his ass was rocking in the free world. Pot calling the kettle black or some shit. I decided to shut him up by eating two slices of pizza and a bowl of rice at lunch. NOW how big’s my ass, son?! My allergies are so annoying today. One side of my nose is butt plugged and the other side is a gaping hairy vagina. I’ve been fingering the butt plug all day, but no dice. It refuses to unplug itself. Harrumph. Guess who I love? Natasha Bedingfield! Her brother is Daniel Bedingfield…do you remember him? He was that guy that sang, in a super high pitched voice, “Gotta Get Through This”. Remember? “I gotta get through this…I gotta get through this, I gotta get gotta get gotta get gotta gotta gotta fucking get zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”. Anyway, I didn’t think he was that awesome either. BUT his sister is rocking this new single called “These Words” and dammit do I love it. How much must it suck if you release a single only to have your SISTER release a better and more fun single? And then how much would it suck if your sister was much cuter than you? And then what if she was cuter, but also could fly? There is a fart the size of Mount St. Helen’s in my stomach right now. It’s moving into the “littles” and pretty soon it’s going to squeeze itself out of my HUGE ass. I’m doing my best to keep it under wraps until I have a chance to leave my desk. I can tell that it’s going to be a doozer. But then again, I work with some doozerbags, so maybe I should rip it up and then laugh as they suffocate on the nauseous gaseous. So it’s Memorial Day weekend! I hope the weather is nice where you live. Maybe you could do some BBQing. Or maybe you can go to the beach and get some sun. Or MAYBE you can shove this fist up your ass. Juxt kiddin. I wouldn’t want to get my fist dirty. I’m very ass focused today, huh? So weird. It’s got to be a direct result of what the security guard said to me this morning. That’s fine though. I’m off on a 4 day weekend and fat ass or not, I’m flying out of the city and not looking back. At least until Sunday. Then I’ll look back, but I won’t be happy about it. In fact, when I walk on to the plane, I am going to walk up to the first stewardess I see and say “You’re an ugly cunt!” while spitting in her face and sulking my way to my seat. That’ll teach HER for making me cut my trip short. ENJOY EVERYONE! I’ll be back on Tuesday! And I’ll Shirley miss you! Will you Laverne miss me? |
